Unemployment

So, we found out yesterday that Mr S may lose his jobe in the next few days.

I know it sounds scary, but actually we feel a bit relieved. Poor Mr S has to get up at 5.30am and is never back home before 7pm. The job is making him ill.

We have enough savings to live off of for a good few months, so now Mr S can find a job he really wants and likes, and hopefully with better hours, and I can at last get out in the day and be useful to society by getting a job of my own!

Fingers crossed all will be well, the girls will love having him at home and it gives me some more freedom. Much as I love being a mum, I think it's time to rejoin the working race.

As I said to Mr S, there is nothing like being at home with the children to make you get a new job, and fast!

Looking forward to Mia's parties on Saturday, although it is a lot of work, it will be so much fun seeing Mia so happy and getting all the family together. The big one on Sunday is 20 of her little friends, I am still in denial she will be 5 though as much as I am in denial about my birthday coming up!

Mrs S

Rain

I love hearing the rain at night when I am in bed with Mr S, I feel very warm and happy and safe.

So, things are good, I'm glad I stuck around.

My eldest Mia is 5 next Monday 13th. I can't quite believe that the little 3lb baby has grown up to be this remarkable, amazing, intelligent beautiful girl.

Mia had her first Sports Day and won both her sprint races. As long as I live, I will never forget watching her run and run and win. She had the biggest smile on her face and she looked like she was flying she was so happy. I don't think I have ever been prouder of her than I was at that moment.

I love you Mia, so much.

Mummy xxx

Judgement

So, we have all done it. Judged someone either fairly or unfairly. But then there are those who judge with malice. People you think are friends but who in fact are malicious and take it upon themselves to be mean to you or your loved ones because of a blog.

If you are reading this, you know who you are. You have no right to judge anyone from the basis of my last posts. If you judge and then say mean things to the person the post was about, then that makes you just as bad. It is not for you to do this, it is for me.

You made my loved one feel uncomfortable, sad and upset in a public place. My loved one and I have discussed things and believe me I have made him feel all those things, but that is for me to do, NOT you.

You should not judge people until you know all of the facts, and the maliciousness in which you then dealt the blow was completely wrong and unacceptable.

S

Choices

So, I have made my choice. For now I stay and hope that things can be rebuilt, but of course there are lots of doubts and the pain will last forever.

However, I have my beautiful girls. Mia my eldest is my joy and my life. She is amazing, and beautiful and eloquent and innocent to how mean the World can be. This is why I choose to stay.

My youngest Ella is equally gorgeous, and she deserves the best in life. This is why I choose to stay.

Is it best for me, that I don't know yet. Can things be rebuilt, I am not sure, am I being foolish or wise? Who knows. Every day when I get up and before the girls get up, I cry. Every day. Things will get better, that I trust in. If I don't have that trust what do I have?

Betrayal

So, yesterday I discovered something bad, really bad and now I have to make a decision which will define the rest of my life and my children's lives, so the question is this, do you do what is best for the children or what is best for yourself?

If you have the answer to this, please let me know, because right now I am struggling to decide. Part of me has already made the decision but am too scared to go through with it, does that make me pathetic or a good mother?

Death

So last Wednesday I went to a funeral of Anne, who is the mother of my brother in law. She was someone close, she had been to our Wedding, Christenings, Birthday parties and every Christmas. It was very sad, I realised I had not been to a funeral for about 20 years, and as we all followed the coffin into the crematorium, emotions took over and I cried for the whole service.

I used to have a fairly laid back attitude to death, although since having children and getting older, I think it is natural to start facing your own mortality. The thought of leaving my loved ones to make that next journey feels me with fear and dread, and I hope that when the time comes I accept it and face it with the dignity and peace that Anne did.

Anne, may you be free of pain and also be in the knowledge that we will never forget you.

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.

(Henry Scott Holland)

Time

So, my children are growing up soooo quickly, and time is so tight that I barely even notice the little things they do anymore in the rush of life. I found this writing below about having children:

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first , and the house later.
I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

I think this says it all don't you?

S